He might say this:
Alabama has been blessed by God as few states in this Union have been blessed.
Blessed by God.
So rise up, Alabamians, and spew your fury.
Defend our state.
Don’t let carpetbaggers from Manhattan describe us in deplorable terms.
Don’t let outsiders tell us who we are, or what we are.
Don’t let pointy-headed, liberal eggheads paint us as failures among this nation’s successes. Don’t give them that joy.
We are Alabama.
We have been blessed by God.
Blessed by God.
We are not “miserable” — in any form, in any fashion.
It’s unfortunate that journalists at Bloomberg — Bluuuumberrrrg! — are spreading villainous lies about our splendid state. They should be ashamed and denounced. We are not among this glorious nation’s “most miserable” states. We are not who they say we are.
We must defend ourselves.
We will not stand for such defamation.
Our ways of life are being attacked by outside agitators who do not understand us, who do not know what it is like to walk down the streets of Birmingham, to lounge on the white-sand beaches of Gulf Shores, to enjoy the breezes of our northern hills.
These “journalists” are using infantile snippets of scientific studies to cast us among the worst of the worst, as if they are God thrusting us into the desert. They are not omnipotent; they do not wield that much power.
These “journalists” resemble the blind leading the blind; they ignore our quality of life and obsess about minor ailments that affect all states in our great nation. They are misleaders at heart. Do not trust them, I say.
These “journalists” say we are miserable because 30 percent of our high school students do not graduate. But have you seen Nevada’s graduation rate? Have you seen New Mexico’s graduation rate? And what about the 70 percent of Alabama children who do graduate, who go on to great things, who are doctors and lawyers, engineers and scientists? Bloomberg doesn’t want the truth.
These “journalists” say our rate of violent crime is high, but check the facts. Our rate is among the South’s least egregious.
These “journalists” say our children live in poverty, and that we do little to help them. Hogwash, I say. Our children are cared for, loved, embraced. How can we be more “miserable” than California, Michigan and New York if their child poverty rates are worse than ours?
Finally, these “journalists” claim that our air is thick with impurities detrimental to our health. I invite them to travel with me to our beaches down south and Appalachian trails in the northeast. Where are the impurities there? Pennsylvania’s miners and California’s freeway drivers wish they had our “foul” air.
Alabama is no more the seventh-most miserable state in the Union than it is a place of 21st-century racial intolerance. That is pure bunk, a damnable lie, conceived by those who wouldn’t know the difference between a squirrel and a snipe.
We cannot, and we will not, stand for such slander.
It is time for Alabamians tired of intrusions to demand equal time to tell the real story of this state and its people. We are not perfect. We are not that fortunate. But we are a Godly people who take care of our own, who value God’s earth and his creatures, and who do a fine job administering the laws and regulations of our state government. We offer helping hands to the poor, food to the hungry and aid to the infirm. We are not miserable.
Yet, our anger rises when outsiders tell us we’re not good enough, that we are flawed seemingly beyond repair. How dare they? Our children are fine, our people are sturdy, our souls are protected by the Almighty. We are America: patriotic, proud, strong. Miserableness is nowhere to be found.
Join me, Alabamians, in sticking our collective fingers in the eyes of those who paint us unfairly, who say we are deficient. Join me in this fight of reclamation and honor.
Alabama is not miserable.
Alabama is blessed by God.
Yes, if only Alabama didn’t need George Wallace, or someone like him, to protect it from itself.
Phillip Tutor — firstname.lastname@example.org — is The Star’s commentary editor. Follow him at Twitter.com/PTutor_Star.