Historical musings

Larry Stephens
04-21-2008

Every young feller out there remembers his first date, and I'm no different. The Stephens men have always known how to treat the ladies and I come from a long line of first-rate Casanovas. Ah, yes, I remember it well - I was a late bloomer, but once I got started with my dating career, there was no stoppin' me. I was almost halfway through my last year of high school before I asked my first young filly out. Well, Mama and Daddy sat me down and gave me a little pre-date lecture before I left the house that evening. I was wearing a John Deere cap, a pair of overalls and lumberjack boots. Mama said, "You clean up real nice, son, but I would change that t-shirt. it looks a little dirty." So I went back to my bedroom, yanked it off and changed into the only other t-shirt I had. This was a big evening for me, so I double-checked my appearance and, well, doggone it, I even bit the bullet and flossed my teeth this time. Mama said, "Now, you remember, son, that you need to always be considerate of the girl and open doors for her, let her order first at the restaurant, and so on. And compliment her some too," I said, "Yes, mama." Daddy asked, "You got enough money, boy?" I kind of giggled and said, "Sure thang daddy." (You see, I had already lifted a $20 bill from his wallet an hour earlier.) When I went to pick up Arline in my daddy's '55 Ford truck, she was dressed like she was going to Sunday meeting. I was impressed but my gosh, nobody in my family ever got dressed up for nothin' unless somebody had kicked the bucket. it made me more than a little nervous. Trying to be considerate, I opened the door for her and when she sat down I even offered her a dip of Skoal before I took a chaw for myself. She politely declined. And I remembered to compliment her too, so I said, "You look cuter than a speckled pup in a litter of tan-colored pit bulls, Arline." She looked at me funny and said, "I don't think I've ever quite heard anything like that before. You beat all." Of course I thanked her. When we got to the restaurant, it was apparent that money was going to be a big deal after I looked voer the menu. This was 1975 and I wasn't even sure that $20 was going to cover the supper tab, little alone the whole date. This prissy little French-soounding waiter came out and took our order. He looked at me and asked one of the dumbest questions I'd ever heard. "And sir, how do you want your steak cooked?" I was bumfuzzled. I mean, I had had steak before. We'd slaughtered a few beef cattle out at the farm, but nobody had ever asked me how to go from there. So I looked at him and said, "Now, lemme' get this straight. Y'all are in the food business and you're askin' me how to cook a steak? Don't make me go out to the truck and git that quart of lighter fluid and go back there to yer fancy indoor grill and turn up the wick on that puppy. You got that straight, Pierrre?" He scampered back toward the kitchen, mumbling something under his breath. I tried to make conversation with Arline, but it was tough after that. I said, "So whatcha' gonna do after high school?" She replied, "Well, I know I'm going to college. I want to be rich and famous one day, so I'm thinking about becoming an actress. I don't suppose you would know anything about that, or that anyone in your family has ever aspired to be rich and famous?" I proudly whipped out a photo of my Uncle Jack and Aunt Sue and said, "Well, funny you should mention that. Jack and Sue here, are already rich an famous. They're wanted in 15 states for robbing banks and grand theft auto. You can go to any Post Office between here and the Mississippi and see their photos posted on a wall. They've gone farther that anybody else in this family, and we're all mighty proud of 'em." After the supper at the overpriced French restaurant, we went to the picture show. I had only a couple of dollars left in my wallet, so we had to settle for the Dollar Drive-In. They were showing "Jaws" and the only time Arline said anything was just before it began. She said. "That popcorn sure does smell good back there, doesn't it?" So, being the considerate, sensitive guy that I was, I said, "Tell you waht, Arline. Lemme pull outta' this parking spot here and move Daddy's truck to the very back row of spaces and then we can smell that popcorn a lot better all through the movie." After that, dead silence. Well, we finally got to the end of the evening and I offered to walk Arline to the door. She said, "That won't be necessary." I said, "Can I call you?" She said, "Tell you what. I think our phone number jsust got changed this afternoon. Let me go to the house and come back with the new number and then you can call as often as you like." I thought that was real sweet of her, but for some reason when I called the number she had given me the next week, I got the State Mental Hospital's direct line. I thought that was odd. Come to think of it - I never did see Arline again. I guess I was just too overpowering for her. The Stephens men seem to have that affect on women.

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